A lesson about getting what you want

5:25am

Today has already proven to be most magnificent in it’s unusuality, it still hasn’t ended since yesterday.  This is what a dream comes true feels like, I’ve been asking for this much awake time.  Being back in the hospital made me nostalgic, we used to do a lot of hospitals.  It’s part of my healing.  I feel so great and healthy, “got to admit it’s getting better, it’s a little better all the time.”

10am

I want to grow myself up again from the ground up

I want to learn…

I want to learn to trust again,

I want to learn to feed myself again.

I want to learn about what’s good for my soul.

It’s nice to speak at a whisper

to sit in silence and simply contemplate

how good it must feel to be closer to the Earth,

to have roots, to be more pure

It helps to be away from it all,

resisting you is so much more natural

It’s easy on me in these times of growth,

easier on me

To be alone, I trust in alone.

We were tangled

Every day passes and I resist

Always resisting

trusting myself

feeding myself again

I every day would love to reach out,

tip of my rootling to yours,

and feel that pang of natural energy.  I feel it so close like it’s

just on the other side of this wall.

Day after day, sunrise to set.

I think to not resist,

to just reach out a hand, dirty from work,

that, that would be the most divine.

Eternal hunger no longer,

tangled no more.

You are now water,

the rest, all sunlight,

and I am a beautiful flower.

Photosynthesis complete

11pm

I hear we sooner die from lack of sleep than food, I believe that, so I’d better get to bed soon.  I had to go to the emergency room last night, Momma D had a kidney stone.  She called me this morning from upstairs, just after midnight, just as I was touching head to pillow and she was writhing in pain.

I often wish for a sleepless night, a night where I am given the time to devote myself to the extra time available.  I often express that I will try to stay up all night with lofty goals of all the things I would love to come up with, and then I surrender to sleep, as I’m sure I should.

I was being given my wish after all.  At first, I could barely accept it, I resented it even, I wanted sleep.  As I gathered the keys I realized this could be it, I grabbed my computer and journal.

Maybe we are often given exactly what we need in this way, not as we thought we would get it, or see it, but it’s there for your acceptance.

Being back in the hospital was oddly comforting, we did lots of hospitals back when he had cancer.  He had cancer, oh, my, god, ugh.  It’s ok, no really, it’s actually ok, I promise.  It’s all so oddly beautiful, how it’s all come together, the mosaic of life, broken, fragmented, all together beautiful.  I like hospitals I decided.

I’m realizing the power of bravery and of my word and for making things happen.  I must speak my mind, I can create my reality that way.

I love life as it is, I positively love it.  I love living this thing, it’s worth every bit of hard work.  How fucking gratifying, the harder I work I only anticipate utter betterment.  I don’t desire the past any longer, I swear, I am happy I had what I got when I was younger.

We might be getting some new roommates soon, what an exciting prospect…

Time for bed, Miss Joanna Newsom is honestly so good I hardly want to sleep.  But I know it’s good for me and I want to keep making good choices.  I feel healthy when I do.  I hope I can make the change that I want, I’ll keep writing down the things that I want, I’ll keep using my words.  I’m getting better at this, everything, and I only hope so, as life is long for a reason and I want to reach my best through practice.  Life is long, there is time. Goodnight, all is love and energy.

-sketch by Robert G Curia, my dad

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