Beans and Cornbread

I was sitting in the vegan cafe across the road and under the ground from the coffee shop where I work.  Cody from Bones, Jugs, n Harmony was with me and we were waiting on Caitlin to show up.  We already had our food, black bean sweet potato soup in his bowl, kale, white bean, and potato stew in mine, both came with a cornbread muffin and we were having a conversation that went something like this…

How have you been?

I don’t know, I mean, I feel like I’ve been at about eighty percent, which is a good place to be but enough to want to be better.

I won’t go into any stories, at least not today,but I went through a really hard time

mmhmm

and then for a while I was coasting along in the seventies and eighties, and it was good, and then…it just got so much better.

Yea, I know it’s coming, I’m working hard. I know it won’t always feel this way. 

And I know it always won’t feel this way. I think in adulthood the highs are higher, and the lows are lower.

I think you’re so right. 

Caitlin walks in and sits down.

I think it’s important to get in those spots that hurt, to know what it feels like to be in those positions that don’t feel as good for a little while and overcome them. It feels good to have something to work on. 

I will say this, I feel like I got to a point in where I was where I just started taking bigger chances, going for things, and that’s when it got so much better.

I couldn’t agree with you more.  It’s that time…

My mind suddenly went above ground and across the street and taken back to a conversation I had a little over a year ago to a similar tune:

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“On our last night we went out to the woods and  recorded bird sounds, listening to the then-finished album on the car ride, it was their final recording from their work in Urbana.  They’d take it back to their lives in the city to mix and master and finish up in a world of theirs that I existed entirely outside of before.

We took a group picture by a lake and that night some local jazz musicians came over to play some music with the boys.  I went to bed early, I had to work early the next morning.  I remember hugging Asher so tight in the living room before I went up to bed.  Tears welled up in both of our eyes as someone was strumming the harp and another playing the clarinet in the background.  Letting go of him physically hurt my heart.  I remember waking up at 4am the next morning and saying goodbye to Michael.  I was used to saying goodbye, I grew up a nomad and a traveler and was always saying goodbye, to people and places and things I had come to love.  Saying goodbye was normalcy.  But this time it was harder than any other I could remember.  I cried quietly as the sun slowly rose and he hugged me and told me my tears were endearing.  I remember creeping down the narrow stairs of Asher’s boyhood home where we had all returned to our childhood bliss and freedom.  When I thought I was out of earshot of the boys’ room tears began streaming down uncontrollably for the first time in a long time like that and I knew that it was only because I was feeling such a deep love for two people that had entered my life so unexpectedly, yet so perfectly.  It was a connection that made perfect sense, it didn’t seem to make any sense at all that now it was breaking.

I came into work puffy eyed, explaining to my co-worker Rebecca what I had just left behind.  I told her the story of the boys, telling her about them showing up the patio, our musical journey of peace, love, friendship and freedom, and how it all still seemed so incomplete.  I told her that I thought we could really make something of all this, but

they were leaving.

She told me that was bull shit,

“Go for it. Make it happen,” she said.

And I knew she was right.  My world had been shaken, I couldn’t allow myself to settle back in the old way, nothing was how it was before.

They came in for coffee for the road and to say goodbye one final time to me and the crew.  They gave me a copy of the CD, a rough cut of the songs early on, and Michael got my phone number finally.  Up until then we had never needed such things, we had all so simply had each other.”      -final episode of the Being Beings Story

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